An open letter to Kristin...
My Dearest Kristin…
A little more than 15 years ago, on March 27, 1990, you dropped into the world, my daughter, my first and only child—a surprise, a gift, a miracle, an eater of electrical cords, a fertilizer factory, a joy, a thrill in the heart, all the platitudes with a big red cherry on top. Here’s the truth: Girl, oh, girl, do I love you. And Kristin, how I wish I could spend the rest of my life with my lips to your cheek, my eyes warming in yours, your hand in mine. Once in a lifetime, someone like you comes along to make someone like me as happy and proud and as lucky as anyone ever could be. And, in my prayers every day I ask God to let me know and experience the closeness again…like, you know, the kind that once in a lifetime, two people will share the closeness they’re both dreaming of… I fear that time is running out for me. So, before it’s too late I want you to know how very much I love and miss you.
I’m surely proud of you…and, yes, I’ve followed your life, watched quietly from the sidelines so to speak. I have even followed your half-brothers and their accomplishments. (Josh & Jess—yep, I know you have a bunch more “halfs” too.) From Joshua and Amanda to Jesse and Victoria as well as their time in York. I was especially proud of Josh’s scholarship from the choir and the musical student of the year award. And, his published comments… There’s more too. Still, I am somewhat surprised that both boys have not gone back to court and changed their last names back to Randolph. I was misled about their Dad, John…in truth he’s really a nice guy and cool in anyone’s book. A fine father I think.
The last picture I saw of you I could hardly believe…gosh, you’re cute as a bug’s ear. You do sing well, too. But I knew that…do you remember singing “Puff the Magic Dragon” with me? It was one of your favorite songs. And I really believe your artistic talents are super fine too… Yep, I know about the “honor” society as well. You’re actually doing better in school than I did. And now you’re 15 years old, a young woman…and now a sophomore. Gosh, you’ll be graduating high school before you know it. Got kind of a kick out of what you must have gone through with the new school this year… Was it way cool…? Bet so, but a bit of a hassle too. And imagine, another change coming up this fall. Any idea what you want to do after graduating high school? Nope, I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up either… But, I do know that I would surely like to be at your graduation…can I give you a really neat graduation gift…? If you could have anything you want…(not need)…what would that be…? I surely wish I had a (current) picture of you to carry with me always, too. Tell me about your boy friend…you do have one, don’t you? I surely wish I could have heard your comments after your first date. That’s the Dad in me I think….
And I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately—from cabbages to kings, but mostly about you—can you tell…? If one has no priorities, one has nothing. Too much “bed time” will certainly get one to thinking. Darn war wounds…doctors say I’ve been hard on my body over the years too. Tramping through too many foreign jungles, too many covert missions, too many strange foods all have finally caught up with me. Guess your old man is just a worn out “has-been” now, huh? But, that’s okay cause at least I’ve done it and not just dreamed about it. I can still talk the talk and walk the walk. Besides, I have the experiences of 5 lifetimes. I have the good Lord to thank for that…yes, God has truly watched over me. And, while I would likely change a few things…for the most part, I’m happy with my life. Yep, there is a price to pay for freedom, but I don’t mind. Someone’s got to do it… It is never wrong to fight for the oppressed…especially for those that can’t fight for themselves. And, yes, regardless of what you’ve likely heard…it’s not wrong to be in the military, to fight for the freedoms we hold dear. Indeed, I’m proud to be an Infantry officer; not just a wannabe, but a true warrior. And, I’m proud of my medals…especially proud of my purple hearts. I’m proud that I was able to do my part to help others that couldn’t help themselves. I’m proud that I was a soldier… I’m proud to truly believe in Duty, God, and Country.
By the way, did you know that because of my military background and retirement that you are eligible for a military ID card, free medical care, PX and commissary privileges, free air flights, great camps, and even going to one of the military academies? By the way, I would surely like to help you while you’re in college…not studying silly, just financially. Jesse said I was trying to buy your love… Not true. Love can’t be bought…I thought everyone knew that. Besides, even though you don’t remember—you truly loved me once. That kind of love, while sometimes suppressed, never goes away.
In any case, and after listening to too many doctors, I’ve now come to believe that my time on this earth is running out and I might never see you again. How sad it makes me to realize you may never know your real Dad and how much we once meant to each other. I can still feel your arms tightly around my neck as they pulled you from me…you crying and pleading to stay…so afraid to go with them. It truly saddens me that some in Brainerd & Baxter have made such a concerted effort to ensure that you never know me…Yes, I know you don’t remember…and, yes I know you’ve been told some terrible things about me. “Alienation of affection” the courts call it. I call it a deliberate attempt to poison your mind against me. I knew at the time, fall of 1992, that in protecting you from your half-brother I was risking losing you forever. Yes, Kristin, I would do it again for I did stop what was happening to you. And, I am so glad you don’t remember. I am even surer today that my actions were completely necessary and proper to protect you. In any case, I have no doubt that most of what you’ve been led to believe about me is not true. I’m not going into that now—it’ll serve no purpose. I know my blood flows in your veins and one day you’ll figure it out on your own. Just as I know you are always questioning and learning, and you’ll be young and alive no matter what your chronological age, for your mind is always alert, curious, flexible, and open to new experiences. Be careful, though, for you tend to have so many ideas and irons in the fire that it is hard to keep track of them all. You’re a lot like me…you need and crave variety, change, mental stimulation, and an active social life. Yep, I truly believe that God will show you who I am… At least I’m an eternal optimist, huh?
But, I’m not even sure you’ll get this letter. I know you’ve not received much of what I’ve sent you. Did you know that I sent you a TV? And, yes, I believe that kind of censorship is wrong and an attempt by others to keep me out of your life. But that’s the price I still pay. Still, you’re old enough now to make your own decisions, to decide what’s right and what’s wrong. Beware of anyone that tries to censor what you see or hear or read to “protect” you. Make your own mind up… Never give up your integrity and honor…never ever allow anyone to compromise your integrity and honor, no matter what the price. One without honor truly has nothing… A lack of honor creates one who’s a hollow, empty shell of a person, paranoid in all things and unable to cope with real life. It’s a great feeling for me to know that I can walk anywhere in this world and look anyone straight in the eyes without embarrassment. I’m so very proud of you… And, I’m not worried about you either, for I know you’re truly a lot like me… You thrive on challenge. The downside to this is that you often feel that you must battle your way through life, depending upon no one and nothing but your own strength, intelligence, and courage. Yep, I know it’s kind of a pain in the butt sometimes… But, I know you believe in being totally honest, true to oneself and one's own vision and convictions, even if that means standing alone. Honesty, integrity, personal honor, and authenticity are your gods, and you have no sympathy for weakness of character in others. And, never, ever back down from anyone or anything if you’re right. But, make darn sure you’re right. Yes, you have me to blame for all this stuff… See, I told you that my blood flows through your veins.
I’m sure you’re smart enough to make your own choices based upon what you believe is right and not just because that’s what you’ve been told or raised to believe. How terrible it is that some raise their children to only believe what they believe…and what their parents and grandparents believed. That’s very limiting, isn’t it? We live in a very large world with lots of different beliefs. Consider all…then make your choices. Remember, cults are especially dangerous for they remove your freedom of thought. Again, beware of anyone who says “my way is the only way, stay away from all others.” Sweetheart, I have great faith in you…you’re a young woman now and fully capable of deciding what’s right and what’s not. Of course I know you’re young and inexperienced…that’s fine though. The world needs your freshness, your wonder, your questioning mind… Remember, wisdom comes not from books.
And, so to me…what do I do now…? Actually, I have no clue. I have no fear of death, it brings no sorrow. I’ve always said that dying was easy; it’s the living that’s hard. That might be a good book title, huh? Not to worry…more than once I’ve proven that I’m especially hard to kill…and, I’m way too ornery to die unexpectedly or even easy. Am I rambling now…? Too bad there aren’t any books out there to teach us stuff like this or what to do. Still…no one ever said life was fair, or even easy. So, now I wait and wonder… And, I think about things… Such as, I send your mother nearly $200.00 a week especially for you…do you ever see any of it? I recently watched a really neat movie on TV…”The Other Side of Heaven” and I wonder if you would enjoy that kind of movie too? And, do you know that your middle name, Jean, is in honor of your grandmother? Granny, you called her. Gosh, she loved you so much. I really miss her too. I wonder, also, if you’d like riding with me on a Harley? And, you should see my biker vest…my colors and medals. They call me “Okie.” My friends believe I should make sure you get these when I die. I wonder what your thoughts about that would be…? I wonder if you laughed about some of the music I sent you. And, the stuff I got for you from Hawaii. I know I’m an old guy, but some of that stuff is really cool. Besides, it’s really fun trying to guess what you’d like…what you wouldn’t, and then spending the day looking for you. I even have to guess what sizes you wear. It truly makes me feel closer to you while hunting for neat stuff to get you. Yes, I know you sometimes just shake your head and roll your eyes…but, that’s okay. At least you know I’m thinking, and trying, and loving you--it’s just “David’s” way. Gosh, how I’d love to take you around the world so you could experience all the wonderful and strange things I could share with you. Kristin, there’s a great big world out there just waiting to be discovered. Got to be one place you’re really dreaming of seeing…?
Okay, that’s enough of that stuff…now to the hard part…Sweetheart, I’m not going to write anymore, nor send you the rest of the stuff I have for you until you, at the very least, write me back—maybe even a thank you note. I surely hope you understand. I do want you to know, though, that I have a lot of stuff for you. Cool stuff from your grandmother including some especially neat jewelry… And, what about an Ipod and a portable DVD player. Do you have a cell phone?. And, for your 16th birthday…? How bout a Jeep? …you used to really like mine and sitting on my lap and driving. You could even shift the 5 speed as long as I did the clutch thing. You do drive, don’t you? Is red still your favorite color? Do you remember anything about the trips you and I took together--just you and me…? How about learning to fly, or just some Alaskan bush flying…want too? Remember, I’m still a pilot. Ever considered SCUBA diving…? I know some really neat dive spots in the world. But, as I said…you’ve got to at least write me. Better yet, email me. Does anyone censor your email or computer use? What ever happened to plain old trust? Still, Kristin, even if you don’t write or call…I’ll understand. I’ve even thought what it’d be like to meet you at an airport terminal for the first time…what would I say…I don’t know…but, gosh, I’d be nervous. I do know it’d be difficult…not just for you, but me too. Not to worry, Sweetheart, it’ll work out just like it’s supposed to and I’ll always love you no matter what. To the world you might be one person, but to me you are the world. I’ll always be here for you if you ever need anything… And, no, I’m not always right and I’m sure not perfect…neither are you. Only one perfect person ever walked this earth. And, I believe the good Lord will let me watch over you forever…yes, I am one of your guardian angels, you just haven’t realized it yet.
Daughter…I love you
Dad, David, hey you, whatever…
posted by David M. Couch | 1:49 PM
13 Comments:
You claim you've been alienated from your daughter? Maybe you were abusing her and her mom had enough sense to get out. Now you live in the blogosphere trying to get people to feel sorry for you. What you need is a big helping of humble pie. And a mirror to see yourself for the pig you most likely are.
Not much I can say to that kind of "logic." Sad I think...and, I actually feel sorry for you for it can only get worse for you. Sitting here on Friday night waiting for me to respond... It ain't going to work that way.
Mary... I really wasn't going to comment. Name calling is childish. But, you saying maybe I was abusing Kristin...I've got to admit, you hurt me with that one. I would ask that you at least consider what damage that kind of comment can do...especially if it's not true. It destroys lives girl. Does that really make you feel better..? Yep, I truly feel sad for you. Still, you all are right...I'm an old guy that's done my life. But you're young...and that kind of stuff will come back to you. You want to talk to me, you know how to get a hold of me... Enough for now.
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
you abused the boys. why should the girl be any different?
Well...that pretty much says it all, doesn't it. That's pure parental alienation--you don't know me, yet you accuse me of abusing children. Who told you that...? And, why did they tell you...? I did not abuse the boys nor Kristin. Actually, I did everything I could to get them help. I surely don't want to go into that in an open forum like this since it could do so much harm to them. They were way too young to remember their childhood anyway. They remember what they were told...it has become reality to them.
"Mary" think about what you're saying here...Why would you want to hurt anyone like that...? Is that the "Godly" way to do things...? Look at the anger in "Randy Dandy." Is that healthy for anyone...?
I am completely open to discussing this situation, but only in private emails, or in person. Isn't it time to resolve this issue and make things better...?
the boys were almost 12 when you finally left for good. I think most people can remember things at that age, you moron. Especially things as traumatic as abuse. As a matter of fact, many people can remember specific events from as far back as the ages of 2 - 3 years old. And I would prefer this in an open forum because I want people to know the truth that you will never tell. Delete this comment and you'll prove me right. And for your information, I choose to remain anonymous not because I am a coward (as you in your simple mindedness have implied), but because I have been "educated" in your vindictive and petty nature, and I value my quality of life.
And one last thing. The comments by the individual "randy dandy" at the top of your blog is foreign to me. Whomever he/she is, they seem to have an ax to grind with you as well. It may be that your past is catching up to you.
ps. as a freelance writer, I would think that you would be totally embarrassed by the gross mis-spelling of the word MOSAIC in all of your sites.
No...the boys were almost 10 when I was taken out of their lives, Kristin was four. The rest of your comment and logic...absurd. I'll not respond to that kind of discussion.
While waiting to be guillotined for helping others during the French Revolution, someone said, "Bailly, thou tremblest." "It is only from the cold," he replied. Now that's what I would call a courageous man.
For if we take a generally accepted definition of bravery as a quality which knows no fear, I never have seen a brave man. All men are frightened. The more intelligent they are, the more they are frightened. The courageous man is the man who forces himself in spite of his fear, to carry on. Discipline, pride, self respect, self confidence, and the love of glory are attributes that will make a man courageous even when he is afraid.
And the greatest test of courage on the earth is to bear defeat without losing heart. Courage in strife is common enough; even dogs have it. But courage which can face the ultimate defeat of a life of good will...that is different, that is victory. Courage is the best gift of all to give to our children; courage stands before everything. It is what preserves our liberty, safety, life, and our homes and parents, our country and children. Courage comprises all things: a person with courage has every blessing.
As a final response to this, I am going to explain something to you. Yes, you were finally out of the picture when Kristin was four. But you neglect to take the age of the boys compared to her into account. She was born in 1990. They were born in 1982. Therefore, if she was four, then they were TWELVE. Get your facts right, and stop acting above this. YOU CREATED THIS MESS. It cannot be fixed (in your definition of the word) by anything less than the absence of you on this earth. No amount of "inspirational" stories that you post will make what you did any less terrible. I'm not sure if you're saving face for Rita's sake or genuinely deluding yourself, but for the sake of all involved, pull all material about Kristin off the web and let her go. If you truly care about her, and not about you getting to see her, then you'd follow that advice. Trust me.
One last thing. Your step son has talked to me numerous times about this, so I know what I'm talking about. The reason I keep posting (without his knowledge, I think) here is that I have a genuine issue with liars and child abusers. I don't know if you abused your daughter, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you severely abused the boys. There were OFP's and restraining orders issued against you to protect them. Your abuse is THE ONLY REASON that you aren't still part of that family. It is why your ex wife left you. I sincerely hope you understand this. EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IS SQUARELY ON YOUR SHOULDERS. Live with it.
Give me a break... You have no clue. By the way, does IP address mean anything to you? What about Design Pt.? Or suite 440...? You're out of your class.
Mary...
Will you please talk to me? Via email of course... or, any other way you want.
I am not sure who you think I am, but I have no desire whatsoever to talk to you. I've said my piece - as I do to all who proclaim PAS - and I've moved on. And you should know that just as Anonymous knows one of your sons, so do I. I am not ignorant either. They have turned into great men - but only because greatness is produced through trial. And you provided the trial of their lives. Do everyone (including yourself) a favor and repent of your sins and be baptised. Even you deserve to be saved.
Mary…
Last night I laid awake for hours trying to decide what to say in my response to you. All to no avail I must say. I just can’t find the words to explain to you who I am, what happened so many years ago, or the loving relationship that Kristin and I had. Did I do everything correctly? Of course, not. I can say without any question that I NEVER abused Kristin. Mary, I’m certainly not perfect; far from it actually. Hopefully, I have gotten better over the years. And, I have surely asked God for forgiveness of my sins. As a matter for your consideration…I was christened as a baby, baptized when I was 12, and baptized again in my early 30s. I have belonged to the same church for more than 30 years. I also went to Texas Christian University and studied many forms of religion for a number of years—even the original languages of many writings ranging from Buddhism to Catholicism. What have you been told about my “religious” beliefs…? That I’m a sinner? That I’m the devil incarnate? That I am a monster and shouldn’t be walking around on this earth? Clearly, you are quite intelligent. So, aren’t we all sinners? Shouldn’t I have the right to at least discuss “my side of the story?” We are not born with hate. Hate is learned. What kind of person teaches such hate? Forgiveness is not earned, forgiveness is given. Clearly, you are a religious person. What would God say about such resentment and hatred? About forgiveness?
Mary, you really don’t know me. Perhaps, after sitting around talking to me for a week or two you would have a better understanding of who I am. I would think that it’s very important to make your own decisions and judgments…not necessarily what others believe.
Yes Mary, you’re correct…I do not know who you are. But, I am sorry you don’t want to talk to me. davidcouch@gci.net
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